Aug 29, 2013

Worn Out

Warning: Lot's of whining follows...

Some folks may remember me telling you about my problems with concentration and focus following the Layoffs at my company.  Well, they have announced another round of layoffs coming in October.  This will be huge, 7% of the company to the tune of around 4000 people!  I have serious doubts to being able to survive this.

After the last round of layoffs hit, I found myself kind of rocked to the core.  Since then, I haven't been able to sleep well, with lot's of anxiety and worry.  I wind up waking up around 3-4 each morning and toss and turn until I wind up having to get up and throw up. 

On the plus side, I am down 15 pounds now!  I should go on TV and have my own infomercial about weight loss through stress...

I went to a couple of different doctors, getting a neuro workup, some heavy duty testing, and it appears to be one of two things.  Mild Cognitive Impairment or Depression brought on by stress.

So I am going to get referred to a psychiatrist for help and if that works then great.  If it doesn't, it means MCI, and that is a precursor to Alzheimer's.  That isn't so good.

Lot's of well meaning friends have told me not to worry about things I can't control, and different sayings all along those same lines.  But I am just not wired that way.  I have worried my entire life.  And I worry a lot now that I am the sole bread winner and need to have good benefits for Skyler.  So there is a ton of pressure going on here.

Skyler had his first seizure in a long time last night, we had a power outage and that always freaks him out.  But this time it seems to have scared him into a full blown grand mal type of seizure.  We were able to control it with the Diastat drug, which is valium in the butt for lack of a better description.  So he is staying home today from his day program and resting.

I am just plain worn out these days, and wondering if I am ever going to be able to sleep, and catch a break.

Sorry to sound so pathetic...

14 comments:

  1. You don't sound pathetic, you sound completely stressed all to fuck, which I just bet will be your diagnosis. Depression through stress. And they can treat that a little to make things a little less on-the-edge stressful till stuff improves. I'm a worrier too, so I know what you mean, some people are just able to switch off and let things happen but I worry about all of it. So I feel you. I know I can't help you here, but I'll definitely be wishing you well and hoping your news is all good in the coming weeks. People are being laid off at our place at the moment too, it's really a horrible situation all over the place, but remember, no business can get rid of everyone so I hope they keep you! All the best!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry about your layoffs also Veggie. So you get it, the stress, the worry and not being able to turn it off.

      I really wish you didn't get it, because then it would be better for you.

      Delete
  2. I hate it when people say "don't worry about things you can't control". Worse, in the religious circles I run in, worry is seen as a lack of faith and I should question whether I'm really "worthy" of my "faith".

    I say bullshit. Like you I'm wired that way. I worry about my kids' health. I worry about my wife's career, I worry about the economy and guns and the media. When I worked I worried about layoffs and all that stuff.

    I think worry had a lot to do with my current state of health.

    So you aren't pathetic. Some of us are just like this. But that's why we need each other, to be able to be pathetic together and maintain some tiny part our sanity.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the support buddy, you are a good man.

      Delete
  3. My heart goes out to you. Although I am lucky enough to be able to turn off my worry (sometimes), I know that I am one of the fortunate ones. My offspring is a worrier as well, and there is truth in the saying that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child.

    I will be thinking of you, as you go through this, and hoping for the very best.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks a lot Barbara, lots of hugs back to you.

      Delete
  4. I'm sorry you're going through this stress. Please, please take advantage of the psychiatrist. Talking to friends and family helps 90% of the time, but right now you're part of the 10%. Dumping your fears on a third party has a way of making them more bearable.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I am just waiting on the referral right now. Thanks Brewella!

      Delete
  5. I hope and pray things will get better for you and your family, lot seems so simple to say, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart

    ReplyDelete
  6. Someone must have laid the old Chinese curse on you "May you live in interesting times." Here's hoping that it's merely crippling stress, and not the other thing, and that time become less interesting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kind of weird to be hoping for stress, eh Scope? But that's where we are now.

      Delete
  7. Anonymous9:25 PM

    My very best to you. It really always works out just as it should. As a retired worrier, I assure you it is true. My employer just went out of business abruptly, I've got two kids in college, a sophomore in High School, and am a single mother with a selfish a-hole for an ex. So I assure you I get how life tosses us shit. I also get depression - big time. And yes, depression takes a miserable toll on our bodies and our spirit. So I'm not minimizing your crap, I'm just telling you that it always works out -- somehow. Look at it this way, Alzheimer's would mean escape... and you aren't lucky enough for that, right?
    Hugs and good vibes sent your way.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Stress is no small matter, especially with layoffs looming. You're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like a slow trip down a razor blade. I've been there - do you recall our journey from safe middle class to poverty? But survival IS possible, even survival with your sense of humor and love of life intact. I'm living proof. Will be watching for further developments.

    ReplyDelete