May 30, 2008

Quick Joke Friday

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

May 28, 2008

Progress? Guess again.

Two stories in the news lately that are special needs related. The first one follows:

The Chinese have been trying to appear sensitive to the western world for the summer games, they dropped the ball on this one. I'd think they could've hired someone in disability advocacy from another country to do a better job than this:
Quoting from the piece in the New Zealand Herald, "Disabled people can be unsocial, stubborn, controlling, defensive and have a strong sense of inferiority, says an official Beijing Olympics guide."

Oh that's just great, there is more though!

"The manual for Olympic volunteers in Beijing is peppered with patronizing comments, noting for example that physically disabled people are "often" mentally healthy."

And here is my favorite:

"Volunteers at the Olympics and Para Olympics are instructed not to call paralympians or disabled spectators "crippled" or "lame", even if they are "just joking"."

I guess I shouldn't expect anything better from the fine folks who brought you only one baby and better hope it's a boy, huh?

And the second story, this one from the more passionate, caring, and understanding US of A:
Mom says special needs child voted out of classroom

PORT ST. LUCIE, FL -- A Port St. Lucie mother says her five-year-old son with special needs was voted out of his classroom by his peers at the behest of the teacher, who has since been reassigned.

"(She) took him and stood him in front of his classmates this week, asked every single child to tell Alex why we don't like him... in his words, tell Alex why we hate him," she explains.

After having each child ridicule the boy, she says the teacher continued belittling him.

"Then they had a vote on if he deserved to stay in the class or not," says Barton.

Like a twisted reality show, Barton says in a 14-2 vote, his classmates voted the five-year-old out of the classroom.

There are lots of teachers and former teachers out here blogging, can anyone explain to me how this could possible take place? Sounds like somebody watches too much reality TV...

Really, I am pretty sick about this. I wonder why I even keep trying to advocate for my son with attitudes like this still around.

May 26, 2008

Quick joke Monday

Since I missed last Friday for a quick joke, here is one to get you through your week:

Hypnotist at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude drew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center ...

May 23, 2008

Memorial Day


Taking a break from my usual twisted humor and youtube fetish for a couple of days. I have a lot to do this weekend, getting caught up on some cleanup, going to lot's of graduation parties, all while trying to do it one-armed. Should be interesting.

I hope you all have a fun and safe holiday weekend, and I hope that in between the fun and frivolity everyone takes just a moment to remember what the weekend is all about. I will be thinking about guys I served with, and some that were lost even in peacetime.

Clicky here.

May 21, 2008

Kevin Pollak in an old standup routine

I used to have this HBO special on tape many years ago, loaned it to a friend and never got it back. It is brilliant, Pollak does impressions of "real actors" doing the roles of the usual suspects in Star Trek.

One note of explanation needed for the end since it's out of context, "Brian" is Brian Boitano who had won the gold at the Olympics that year, and Pollak was making fun of skating...

May 18, 2008

Fashion Tips from Sky-Dad!

What's better than a fanny pack, or a man purse, or even backback?

Why, it's all the latest rage for embracing your manly, yet geekish self. I give you:

The Utilikilt!



May 17, 2008

The Splotchy Virus

Bubs tagged me to continue the story line from the Splotchy Virus.
Here is the start of the meme.

This is the beginning of the story:

I had been shuffling around the house for a few hours and already felt tired. The doorbell rang. I opened the front door and saw a figure striding away from the house, quickly and purposefully. I looked down and saw a bulky envelope. I picked it up. The handwriting was smudged and cramped, and I could only make out a few words.

Bubs continues with:

I looked up and down the street but didn’t see any delivery truck, or any car for that matter. No FedEx, no UPS , no creepy-looking porno'd-out conversion van with a half-assed delivery service sign taped to its side. Nothing. It's like delivery man just disappeared. I stepped back inside, re-set the deadbolts and took a closer look at the envelope.

Mentally I ran through the checklist of letter bomb warning signs. The handwriting on the envelope, smudged and cramped as it was, was laid out in a tiny, obsessively neat block lettering. It practically screamed recently-de-institutionalized loner with time on his hands. No ticking or whirring sounds, that’s good. No odd smells, no leaks or stains on the package. Check. Weight seemed evenly distributed, that’s good too. I decided to open it.

Inside I found a plane ticket to Pensacola, a business card for a lawyer in Niceville, five crisp $100 bills and a four page handwritten note. Well. This was different. I poured a cup of coffee, threw some meat to the dogs to stop em barking, and sat down to read.

And now I pick up the story line:

As I sat down to go over the contents of the letter, I noticed snapping and grinding noises coming from the dogs. I made a mental note to myself to de-bone the Yak hips before I give them to Cujo and Sampson next time.

Since losing my job as a stunt penis in adult films, I was running awfully short on cash. I ran my hands over the five Benjamins and felt a stirring in my loins and thought to myself, "Great, now you start to cooporate!"

But the 500 bucks was only a start on trying to get rid of my bills and stay one step ahead of Guido and the boys. I needed a break, a good run of luck. Maybe lady luck was waiting in Pensacola, cause I sure hope I didn't have to go to Niceville. I spent a week there one afternoon...

The first paragraph of the letter read like an email from a nice man in Nigeria, with the promise of a ton of money. Before I read on, I picked up the card and dialed the number.

It's now up to these brave blogging souls to continue:

Beth
Dale
Doc
Captain
Chris

If you want to play, link to the original post, and tag some more folks!

May 16, 2008

The Bill O remix

Chris over at Some Guys Blog posted the original, now comes the new and improved Bill with madd techno skillz!!

May 15, 2008

Quick Joke Friday

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple are a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield. It sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says... "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

http://www.instantrimshot.com/

(CLICK IT, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!)

If I Was A Terrorist

My friend Tim comes up with a lot of great stuff and sent me this yesterday. Give it a watch, it is wonderful.


Another item that I saw yesterday was a great column by Bill Johnson of The Rocky Mountain News. It speaks of the loss of a Marine in a small town, a scene that plays out far too many times each day we spend in this war.


http://www.rockymountainnews.com/news/2008/may/13/johnson-outside-the-spotlight-grief/

May 14, 2008

I am the 3rd from the left in those evolutionary charts

I took a couple of photos of my surgery site to share while under the influence of great pain killers, because that's what everyone wants to see, right? Sure you do...

They had to cut it open, couldn't get the repair done with a scope, so the recovery will be longer. I was hoping for a better outcome. All the yellow is bruising, which is kind of a weird color, but I am told it's normal.




So how do you tie your shoes when you only have one hand? The answer is you don't, you go get slide-locks for the laces! Very handy little things they are.


As I look at my pictures I am struck by how grey I have become! Holy shit, first my beard now chest hairs, what is up with that!?

May 13, 2008

The English Lover

Longtime, observant, readers of my blog will no doubt remember that I am from English miner stock, around the area of Cornwall. The genes of these great workhorse men still course through my body today, especially in the area of the tender sex and love-making. I can't begin to count the times I have been asked, "Skydad, where did you learn that wonderful move?" Well, OK, it was once, and I think that was a dream... But That's not the point of this tale. The point is that we are all brilliant lovers, as this guide to the Englishman's love-making will point out. Read on:

THE PREPARATION

Friday Night is very much love-night for the English man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional English aphrodisiac - 12 pints, a black pudding supper and 3 pickled onions his mind set on one thing. LOVE! Or as he says himself "ma nookie". His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion - "any chance a ma hole?"

The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of picked onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply "Awaity fuck ya bam".

FOREPLAY

Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient fertility chant "Here we go, here we go, here we go". Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS

After 12 pints, sometimes the man's wee Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ya useless bastard" or possibly "It never happens to the Milkman". Oral sex is a great favourite of the Englishman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ya like to put your teeth roon this?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "On ye go" she says "but don't disturb me".

Unprepared by this slight rejection the man drives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. A breakdown in communication often leads to problems. The man may emerge from below, his face like a wet tomato, uttering a pointed but tender rebuke, "Bastard, you could have told me it was your bad week.

DOWN TO BUSINESS

Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Oh fuck, I've shot ma load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.

An imaginative lover, the Englishman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite, arsehole". The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?". Given his level of sexual expertise the Englishman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big "man".

Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world performs quite like a Englishman- a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

May 11, 2008

Happy Mothers Day

How to tell if you are Mom's favorite:


The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given question:

Why did God make mothers?
1.-She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.-Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3.-Mostly to clean the house.
4.-To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.- God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We're related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2.-They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1.- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2.- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3.- They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?
1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1.- His last name.
2.- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.


Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2.- She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.- My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?
1.- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2.- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3.- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1.- Mothers don't do spare time.
2.-To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1.- About 30 years.
2.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest mom?
1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2.- The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3.- She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect?
1.- Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2.- Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3.- Just her children

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1.- On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2.- Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1.- She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

May 9, 2008

Quick joke friday

An Amish couple was just married and went to a hotel for their wedding night. The New husband went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said it was their honeymoon and they wanted a very nice room. The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The Amish fellow thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

May 8, 2008

Four Minutes

I am a couple of days late with this post, mostly due to workload and getting ready for surgery. But on May 6th, back in 1954, something very special to all of us runners happened. Roger Bannister ran the first sub-four-minute mile in recorded history. The 25-year-old native of Harrow on the Hill, England, completed the distance in 3:59.4 at Oxford.



A hundred years ago or so, doctors actually wondered whether the human body could even run at such a speed without the heart and lungs simply bursting. Over time, though, as runners drew tantalyzingly closer to four minutes, it seemed to become more a psychological barrier than a physical one. In 1945, a Swede named Gundar Haegg lowered the record to 4:01:4. It seemed as if now the barrier would fall -- especially since the war was over and those other than Swedes could concentrate on running. But no. Nobody could even approach Haegg's mark. Four minutes seemed more elusive than ever.

The Sports Illustrated writer Frank Deford wrote about Bannister:

Roger Bannister was a medical student at Oxford. Really, not much of an athlete. Just the right sort of lungs and legs. He was, however, quite brilliant -- would become an esteemed neurologist. The four-minute mile was something of an afterthought to him, which he sought only after he was beaten in the 1,500 meters at the 1952 Olympics. He knew he had to give up running when his medical studies ended in 1954, so there would be no more Olympics. Well, let's try for the four minutes.

The amazing thing is how quaint it all was. Never mind steroids today. Runners are professionals, full-time, devoting their lives and bodies to their work. They are cosseted machines. Bannister didn't even have a coach. He'd work out lunch hours at a park in London -- had to pay three pence to get onto the track. He figured out the strategy for the race himself, getting two other runners to pace him.

The day he had set for the challenge -- Tuesday, May 6th, 1954 -- turned up raw and cool. He went to work in the hospital in the morning, the same as always, doing rounds, all on his feet. He took the underground to catch a train to Oxford. He stood up much of the way. He ate a big, hot English lunch, and only decided to go all out minutes before the race when he saw a flag on a church steeple dip. The wind was down! All right, let's give it a go! Then, despite the wet track, Bannister ran a perfect race: 3:59:4 seconds.

In a way, it wasn't just a barrier of time that fell that day 50 years ago. Bannister was about the last of his breed -- the athlete on the side. Just as inventions are no longer made in garages, so human beings don't break records in their spare time anymore. No, thank heaven, athletes are paid for their labors like everyone else who is good at what they do. But somehow, at least back then, before Sputnik went up and the British Empire went away, it seemed right that the final, great challenge fell to one young man, who did it all by himself, the same as his forefathers. In a way, Roger Bannister was the last hero in sport. All that have followed, however great, have only been celebrities, stars and superstars.

In the movie "Four Minutes" there is a scene that shows Bannister and his teammates approaching that day's race. Earlier in the movie they mentioned a few months earlier that when Edmund Hillary had successfully climbed Mt Everest, his report back to home was simply "Well, we knocked the bastard off". Everest was the only other "impossible" feat other than 4 minutes it was thought. So as they are contemplating whether or not to go for the record, and how bad the conditions are, Bannister simply said, "Let's go knock the bastard off".

Later after the race, Bannister said "I knew I was very close. I did collapse at the end. If you don't keep on running, keep your blood circulating,.. the muscles stop pumping the blood back, and you get dizzy. I did lose my sight for a bit because I was crowded in. Everybody rushed on to the track."

That wasn't to be Bannisters last great effort though, after he set the sub 4-minute mark, an Australian named John Landy ran a 3:58 to set the new world record. This set up the meeting of the worlds only 2 men who ever ran under 4 minutes to meet in Vancouver in the Commonwealth games.

Landy led most of the race, opening a lead of as much as 15 meters. Bannister said "It was a frightening thing to do, to let him go like that, but I thought the pace was too fast." On the last lap, Bannister was gaining bit by bit with Landy holding him off. As Landy looked over his left shoulder to see where Bannister was, he passed Landy on the right. Landy knew he was finished then. He later said "I had hoped the fast pace would make him crack. When you get a man in that situation and he doesn't crack, you do."



"There is no fuss and fanfare about Bannister. When he was asked to explain that first four-minute mile—and the art of record breaking—he answered with original directness: 'It's the ability to take more out of yourself than you've got.'"

Text by Gerald Holland

I can't wait to meet him!

Click on over to my sisters place and check out the new man in her life!

May 7, 2008

Surgery Update

2 tendons repaired.
bone spur removed.
in a sling for 6 weeks.

drugs are goooooooooooooooooood...

that is all.

May 6, 2008

A Meme of Lists, or a List of Memes

The best looking top of a head out in bloggerdom tagged me with a new meme, a list of lists. Thanks Beth, here we go...

Ten years ago:
I was working as a System Administrator at USWest (which has now been consumed by Qwest Communications). I was taking care of around 100 Sun, MIPS and HP Servers in two computer rooms in Denver and Minneapolis. I had to travel once or twice a month up there, and still have several friends who live up there.

Skyler was 7, and we were just getting into how the school system works for a kid with special needs. Here is a hint, it sucks...


5 Things on todays to-do list:
I am becoming more of a list maker, mostly because of my increasingly poor memory...

1. Take the Van in for brakes
2. Finish the landscaping wall in the front yard.
3. Buy beer.
4. Clean up dog poop.
5. Start new list for meme that has at least one fantastically interesting thing on it! (to be done later)


If I were a Billionaire:
Since this is Billion with a "B" and not a paltry Million, I can really go big here!
1. Like Beth said, set up my family and friends. They have been here for me and deserve to kick back and take it easy.
2. Housing - Bigger and more handicap friendly house for to better take care of Skyler. Plus a place up in the mountains that I miss so much!
3. Housing mentioned above would have guest quarters for live in help. A full time, trained care professional that can help with Skyler so that I might even be able to take Kathy out to a movie, imagine that!
4. I would buy myself a toy, a gyro-copter or something really fun like that. I have always wanted to fly!!!
5. Last but not least, establish a group home that is a well staffed and caring facility for all of my friends who have kids with special needs. There are a lot of them out there, and they need a place to feel loved, and have a place where they can know the feeling of self-worth.


3 bad habits:
I should let Kathy write this, it would drive her nuts trying to decide what 3 are the worst...
1. I swear a hell of a lot, I mean a whole fucking lot. I am lucky I have a non-verbal kid who can't repeat after me.
2. Walking around naked. I don't sleep with anything on, and have a habit of getting up and walking around taking care of Skyler, getting a drink of water, checking on the dogs, etc... All without clothes...
3. I have bad feeding habits. I take stuff out of the refrigerator, try a bite, put it back in. I use the same spoon I used for eating to scoop up something out of a bowl and serve it. What can I say, I love to share!


5 places I have lived:
If I don't count the Navy where I lived on a ship that visited a whole lot of places, it gets pretty boring.
1. Idaho Springs, Colorado - Born and raised there.
2. Golden Colorado - First place I lived with a high school buddy after moving out on my own.
3. Pearl City, Hawaii - While the ship was getting repaired in Pearl Harbor Hawaii, a couple of buddies and I rented an apartment and about went broke. Even back then, Hawaii was expensive.
4. Lakewood, Colorado - Where Kathy and I lived after we met each other.
5. Westminster, Colorado - Where I live now.


5 jobs I have had:
1. Ski shop in Idaho Springs. Worked there for a long time growing up, being a ski bum, and having a great time!
2. Loveland Ski area - Worked there during the summer dong new construction on a lift. This is the hardest job I ever had, carrying around 300 pound snowmaking pipe, cutting down and limbing trees, digging drainage trenches, and all at 11,000 feet!
3. Colorado Dept of Highways - Road crew working on the Mt Evans highway. This is the highest road in the United States, and the most beautiful scenery you will ever see.
4. Navy - It's not just a job, it's an adventure! No, wait, that's the Army... Navy, it's not just a job, it's kind of like scraping out a dumpster, painting it grey, and living in it for 4 years!
5. Several different jobs in the wonderful world of computing. After I got out of the Navy, I decided I didn't want to go into Air Traffic control, and my only other skill (beside consuming alcohol and drugs) was in computers. So here I am today!


5 people to tag?
Nah, I have done enough tagging, people are probably sick of me. But, I love to read what others would say, so feel free to do this on your own.

May 3, 2008

Skyler the news hound

Skyler has always been fascinated with the news, particularly the weather. We have been looking into possible jobs for him in the industry after he gets out of school next year. There are a couple of options that may be possible for him to do, dealing with archiving of stories or making DVDs of news stories that people request. It depends on whether or not his technology can run their stuff, and whether someone would want to take on a challenge like Skyler.

We are hoping it can work out!

We recently met with Tom Mustin and Brooke Wagner of the local CBS affiliate News4. They are both quite nice and answered a lot of questions Skyler had. We met Tom at a race and he ran along with us talking for awhile. Really great guy who has time for us "little people"!




They told us about a funny promo video that their station put together for the News version of the Emmy awards. They won a couple of awards, and the video made it out to youtube. check it out, they made fun of themselves and did something along the lines of "The Office"...