Sep 2, 2010

Just a Couple of Jokes

I am trying to work on a decent post where I actually have something to say. But the words just are not coming right now, everything I write down sounds depressing and like a pity party.

Maybe this weekend some inspiration will strike and I can get my thoughts in order.

Maybe...

In the meantime, enjoy some of the goodies my friends have sent.

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'
He nodded his head and said, ' Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'
The farmer said, 'Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.
She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.'

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"

The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. "They reckon that'll calm me down."

The Chocolate Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "why are you here?"

The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Chocolate Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I just want to hump everything I see."
"Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and she was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. So I just hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Yellow and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said,
"No, actually, I'm here to get my toe nails clipped."



Internet Dating in Florida:
FOXY LADY FROM KINGS POINT:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT - BOCA TEECA:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: CENTURYVILLAGE-LYONS ROAD :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE - BROKEN SOUND
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? - Boca Lago
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS - FORT LAUDERDALE
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

IN MINT CONDITION - DELRAY BEACH
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.


7 comments:

  1. heard the first one.
    baddddddd on the second one.....
    had to go tell it to the hubby though.

    love the singles ads....where do i get some of these folks. Seem to be in better shape than i am in.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Loved the first joke.

    Second joke reminded me of a video Zibbs put up ther other day.

    Hope that things go a little better this weekend.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "But the words just are not coming right now"... Just can't find th' sound? Better call Beth and tell 'er yew an' th' boys will be workin' all nite... :)

    Good stuff, otherwise!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sometimes a 'pity party' is what you need to cure a mental block.

    I'm just sayin'... : )

    ReplyDelete
  5. who cares what you write - i want the lady who WAS 5-6

    LOL

    ReplyDelete
  6. I hope you start feeling better about things soon. Funny stuff.

    ReplyDelete