Aug 7, 2012

The post you probably shouldn't even read

A couple of weeks ago  I was going to write a post venting away at some shit that has been bothering me, but decided not to.  I didn't want to hurt anybodies feelings that might stray across this corner of the interwebs.

I guess that I have had just about enough crap build up in my life that I just don't care any more and decided what the hell, I need to get some crap off my chest.  So fair warning here, the pity party is about to commence.

Those of you who have been reading this blog for any length of time know about my son Skyler.  I love him to death but lately he has been getting on my very last nerve.  We have been trying a form of Zoloft for him for a couple of months now in hopes that might help break him out of this funky mood he has been in.  On top of the Cerebral Palsy and Sensory issues, he seems to be hell bent on doing self stimulating activities with his computer and DVDs that get him wound up and over the top excited.  Then comes the crash after the fact with the screaming and crying and we have to put him in his room like a grade schooler.  I guess in many ways, his maturity level is really about that, he is a lot younger emotionally than his 21 years.  So I guess we need to revisit the neurologist and try something new for him.  Otherwise I will be selling his body parts on Craigslist.

Our last trip to Seattle to see Kathy's family was interesting to say the least.  Her dad is starting to really slip mentally, and the family knows it but kind of has decided to ignore it.  I know it is tough, but why wait until Kathy comes out and then vent to her about how hard it is and what should we do?  She has two older sisters and a brother out there all living pretty close.  We are the only ones out of state, so why isn't anything happening out there?  Who the fuck knows.  But the thing that about drove me over the edge was an issue with Kathy's older sister.  She lost her husband to cancer late last year.  It was a horrible thing for her to go through, and Kathy was out there for awhile across a couple of trips to try and help out.  I know that people all grieve in their own way, but she has really been dumping everything on her two kids.  They had to take over the family business, make all the plans for the funeral, take care of selling the car and house because their were completely underwater in debt, and all while she was sitting and crying about not being able to go on vacation.  Christ!  Those kids just lost their dad also, come on and suck it up just a bit.

Was that too harsh, sorry if it seemed that way.

So to top off this bitch list, we have gone through yet another re-org at work.  I left Sun Micro to take this job because I lasted through 13 layoffs and couldn't stomach it any more.  things here at Cisco were OK for a few years, and now the same shit is happening.  I have really never felt so insecure in my life.  I am the sole source of income in this family, and I need the job and benefits.  If I get laid off, we are pretty screwed.  So no pressure there, maybe that is why I drink so much beer...

This is very disjointed, and I apologize for that.  But to give you an idea of what transpires around here day to day, I started this 3 days ago.  In that time I have been interrupted by work several times, because you know, if you work at home you must always be available, ya know.  By Skyler needing any number of things, (which is OK, because he is totally dependent on me, I get it).  By having to digitize and finally give Skyler an enema, because he has so many problems with getting a bowel movement.  And by him having a mild seizure.  Such is the glamorous life of the special needs parent.

So I am tired.  Really, really fucking tired.  looking down the road I see a continuation of the same life with the same shit, and honestly it scares the hell out of me.  I have well meaning friends who say to let them know what they can do to help, but honestly a couple of hours away is all anybody could do, and that isn't going to make a bit of difference anyway.  On the rare occasion that we have snuck out to see a movie or something, the issues it causes for Skyler last for a couple of days after.  So it isn't worth it.  So Kathy and I do things separately to try and get away.

Aren't you glad you read this?  I am not looking for pity or answers.  I just needed to unload.

45 comments:

  1. <3 Unload, unload, unload, repeat.

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  2. Sometimes a good unload is what it takes. And sometimes you need to do it a few times. Don't ever feel guilty about that. It's called being human. And it's that humanness that connects us.

    Love ya, SkyDad.

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    1. Thanks Sass, you are pretty damn great!

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  3. It's a funny life, but not the funny kind that gets you a spotlight at the local comedy club... the other kind. I most likely would pick all the same family out of a pile of random people, just out of familiarity with each one's idiosyncrasies. Call it lazy, call it crazy or whatever you want. At some point I've wanted to run each one of 'em through a beet strainer, a few of 'em I've wanted to do it several times, just to make sure.

    The work thing, buddy, I'm on board with that one. I'm the sole income here as well. You know what I do and we're in the midst of the worst drought in as long as I can remember. My other income is the furniture thing... in a rural farming community. Put 2 and 2 together with that one.

    The best that a man can do at times my friend is just to plod on. Put your head down, stride into it keep going. Things always get better, they really do. That doesn't mean that at times they don't get worse... 'cause they do. But we just keep doing what we do and when we get a chance... smile and wave.

    Love ya man.

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    1. You're a good man Cowguy. I hope your drought ends soon.

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. (*manly man hug*) pauses (*hands SkyDad a beer*)

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  6. I can totally relate to the Skyler issues. He and Eric have so much in common! Eric is such a handful and his "melt-downs" are unpredictable and tough to manage. He is big and strong! As awful as it may sound - especially to those who are not in our little club - it's a good thing Eric is in a wheelchair, otherwise, I'm not sure I could handle him. After 19 years, we just started him on Prozac last month. It's seems to be helping a bit... Eric's Neurologist tried to switch his seizure med from Trileptal to Depakote. Depakote is often used for behavior problems, so kill 2 birds with 1 stone. Great idea, except Eric refused to take the Depakote. So, we are back to the Trileptal, but maybe ask Skyler's doc about Depakote, if he isn't already on it. Prozac is similar to Zoloft, as I'm sure you know. Both are antidepressants which is usually the first thing the docs try, since antidepressants have relatively few side effects.

    Rich and I also have the same problems going out. We rarely get to go out together. We usually take turns taking Aaron to the movies or whatever. Do you get any respite services in your state? Eric is going into a respite house for a week next week. This will be the first time he has been away without us. We are trying to make it sound like lots of fun, but I'm worried sick! But I feel I really need to start letting go a bit and start getting him used to other people, because I'm not going to be around forever. I plan to take care of him for as long as I can, but what worries me more than the never-ending care is how he will manage with out me. OK, this is turning into a vent of my own...

    Here are some big cyber {{{HUGS}}} to you, Kathy and Skyler. As I've said more than once, I wish we lived closer. Hang in there buddy!

    Cindy

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  7. I can totally relate to the Skyler issues. He and Eric have so much in common! Eric is such a handful and his "melt-downs" are unpredictable and tough to manage. He is big and strong! As awful as it may sound - especially to those who are not in our little club - it's a good thing Eric is in a wheelchair, otherwise, I'm not sure I could handle him. After 19 years, we just started him on Prozac last month. It's seems to be helping a bit... Eric's Neurologist tried to switch his seizure med from Trileptal to Depakote. Depakote is often used for behavior problems, so kill 2 birds with 1 stone. Great idea, except Eric refused to take the Depakote. So, we are back to the Trileptal, but maybe ask Skyler's doc about Depakote, if he isn't already on it. Prozac is similar to Zoloft, as I'm sure you know. Both are antidepressants which is usually the first thing the docs try, since antidepressants have relatively few side effects.

    Rich and I also have the same problems going out. We rarely get to go out together. We usually take turns taking Aaron to the movies or whatever. Do you get any respite services in your state? Eric is going into a respite house for a week next week. This will be the first time he has been away without us. We are trying to make it sound like lots of fun, but I'm worried sick! But I feel I really need to start letting go a bit and start getting him used to other people, because I'm not going to be around forever. I plan to take care of him for as long as I can, but what worries me more than the never-ending care is how he will manage with out me. OK, this is turning into a vent of my own...

    Here are some big cyber {{{HUGS}}} to you, Kathy and Skyler. As I've said more than once, I wish we lived closer. Hang in there buddy!

    Cindy

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    1. Thanks Cindy, I know that you have a really good idea of what we face.

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  8. CowGuy speaks words of wisdom -- what he said. ((hugs))

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  9. Got a wheel barrel here ready to help carry the shit to the crapper. Oh and a plunger for when it over fills.

    Load it up and let's start flushing. It will all work out in the end. May not be pretty but it will be done.

    I am glad you feel like you can dump here. We are strong enough to stand by and pat you on the back.

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    1. Thanks, I sure appreciate it!

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  10. I wish I was out there to give you a BIG OL' FAT (((HUG)))!!!

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    1. I'll take it from afar my friend!

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    2. Can ya breathe? I'm squeezin' hard. : )

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  11. Unload away, my good man. I know just as well as anyone the cathartic feeling a good internet rant will provide.

    I also understand the working-day shit-sandwich that you're forced to eat and smile while you chew, trying to ignore the grainy bits. What could this potential morsel be? Oh, yes, it's another year without a raise! Glad I worked my ass off last year. Saved a project. Kept us funded through the end of the year. No need to thank me! Yep. Gimme another bite of that turd sandwich while you laud it over my head that I got to keep my job, but that could change anytime now. Ugh. It sucks, man. I hope that things get slightly better for you. At least Colorado is beautiful, right?

    And, while I don't know what it's like being a parent, my sister spent 14 years depending on all of us for everything. I at least understand your issues with Skyler, and let me tell you, honestly and for true, I admire you for what you do. Sure, it's easy for you to say "He's my son. I love him. That's what I need to do for him." I get that. I do. That doesn't make you any less of a hero in my eyes. I'm sure you could have just abandoned him, walked away, done the easy thing. Instead, you took him your arms, proclaimed that he was yours, and have loved him and raised him and done everything you could for him from the moment he was born. Some people might think it's "tough" or "difficult", but for you, it's just what needs to be done. It's just you being a father. And for that, you should be commended and applauded, because when it comes to parenting, or even doing this "human thing", you're doing it right.

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    1. You are pretty damn nice for being a smart dude, you know that? Thanks a lot buddy.

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  12. Unload away, my good man. I know just as well as anyone the cathartic feeling a good internet rant will provide.

    I also understand the working-day shit-sandwich that you're forced to eat and smile while you chew, trying to ignore the grainy bits. What could this potential morsel be? Oh, yes, it's another year without a raise! Glad I worked my ass off last year. Saved a project. Kept us funded through the end of the year. No need to thank me! Yep. Gimme another bite of that turd sandwich while you laud it over my head that I got to keep my job, but that could change anytime now. Ugh. It sucks, man. I hope that things get slightly better for you. At least Colorado is beautiful, right?

    And, while I don't know what it's like being a parent, my sister spent 14 years depending on all of us for everything. I at least understand your issues with Skyler, and let me tell you, honestly and for true, I admire you for what you do. Sure, it's easy for you to say "He's my son. I love him. That's what I need to do for him." I get that. I do. That doesn't make you any less of a hero in my eyes. I'm sure you could have just abandoned him, walked away, done the easy thing. Instead, you took him your arms, proclaimed that he was yours, and have loved him and raised him and done everything you could for him from the moment he was born. Some people might think it's "tough" or "difficult", but for you, it's just what needs to be done. It's just you being a father. And for that, you should be commended and applauded, because when it comes to parenting, or even doing this "human thing", you're doing it right.

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  13. (((hugs))) I wish I lived closer! I won't feed you the platitudes, I'm sure you've heard them all more times than you can count. Just remember you have lot's of people out here who are more than willing to listen to you vent and help out when they can!

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    1. Thanks so much, it helps!

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  14. Gah, so sorry.
    Vent away, friend. We all do it, we all need it.
    Consider yourself hugged inappropriately.

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    1. All of my hugs are inappropriate ones, that's why I have so many restraining orders! Thanks a lot Whiskey!

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  15. I think Mjenks said it all better than I could, so I am just going to mentally moon all the things that are vexing you. I hope things get better. I really do.

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  16. I really hate double-posting...

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    1. No worries, and after I talked you up about being smart... ;^)

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  17. Sending super duper HUGE cyber hugs your way. And... venting is good. Let off the steam any time you need to, looks like there are a bunch of us to use as sounding boards. Someone once told me this: "Jin, a problem shared is a problem halved. If you keep it to yourself, you bear all the weight, but tell it to someone else and they take a part of it away with them." It worked for me at the time and I share it on occasion, however, I usually leave off the last part where he asked me for nekkid pics afterwards. :-O *gasp* Yes, really.

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    1. I have a lot of people who are great friends, yourself included. Thanks very much, and I'm still waiting on those pictures... ;^)

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  18. Dude, just you go haywire and swear your fucking face off if you feel it would help. I'm not in your place and so obviously I don't really know how you feel but I can imagine and it sounds like your life has always had to be about looking after someone else at the cost of yours and your wife's own happiness a lot of the time and that you don't begrudge it but sometimes you want time for you. Who the hell wouldn't? An idiot that's who. Even though you love Skyler and we all know THAT, there is nothing wrong with being tired sometimes of always having to be there to do everything and that sometimes it seems unwanted or unwelcome by him. I'd rant too. Probably way more than you do. I wish I could send you and Kathy a big mental getaway for a while where you could chill out among some palm trees with fruity drinks with umbrellas in and just not worry about anything but yourselves for a while free of worry. Hang in there. I know you have no choice but don't lose hope.

    And try not to worry too hard about your job - they'd be dumb asses to get rid of a reliable and experienced worker like you. Let's hope this recession crap is over soon and everyone can chill out again and not worry for our jobs every damn minute. It's old already. I'm over it. Feel better!

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    1. Hey Veggie, someday I am going to get to meet you face to face, and I will hug you until your eyes pop out like the original Total Recall!

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  19. All of that sucks balls and I'm sorry there's no answer for it but to vent and plod on. Happy we're all here for ya to vent to. Hugs, man.

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    1. Thanks so much Gwennie, you are the best!

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  20. Just let it out. Don't do what I do and keep it inside, because it will eventually devour you as a whole.

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  21. Hey, it can't all be about bad tattoos and hilarious squirrels, right? It's okay to be real and pissed-off. We obviously all love you no matter what.

    Also: me and my three tits are gonna crash your Total Recall Veggie party.

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    1. I wish life was as simple as bad tats and silly shit Kat. Your 3 tits are always welcome at any party!

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  22. I am opening my arms and wrapping you in a bit hug. A HUGE fat ass hug. Now....deep breaths.

    xoxoxoox



    (((((((kiss)))))))

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    1. Hugs are always welcome Vodka, as is Vodka...

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  23. and yeah, life is hard as shit. Some of our shit is stinkier than other people's shit.


    dammit.

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  24. My complete lack of blogging has rendered my ability to write impotent (as if it were ever potent to begin with!), so I will simply and lazily ditto what has been said thus far. You're my friend and I wish for you some respite from all the bullshit.

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  25. I can't begin to feel your daily struggles or the pain of watching your child go through what Skyler does day to day, but by doing that I feel your daily struggles and a wee bit of the pain. I respect you and your wife so much for the love and the care and the life you have created for Skyler and I think that you are all lucky to have one another.

    It's so cliche, but God gives to only those who can handle it. You and your family are amazing and you are survivors and if I could send it all away, just for a brief moment, I would do that for you. You certainly deserve it. Vent, cry, call or just bitch. We will all be here for you. Of that you can always count on. I'm proud to be a small part of the blogger community that responded with love and understanding to this post. Chris, you are my hero.

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