Mar 5, 2008

Aviation and Military Wisdom

Staying with the flight theme (whaaa?) I found this buried in the old joke file.

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
-Paul F.Crickmore - test pilot

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death .. I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?",
"Where are we?"
"Oh Shit!"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

"When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there"

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good
bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in
life where you get to experience all three at the same time.
(Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV."
(A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an

And Finally:
Why the Military can't communicate with each other. . .

If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and
lock the door.

If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry
to those without a pass.

If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire,
capture the building, fortify it and call for
an air strike.

If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year
lease with an option to buy.


  1. Anonymous5:50 PM

    I like the one about the Piper Cub, I'll have to remember to pass it along to my pilot brother-in-law.

  2. If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year
    lease with an option to buy.

    And it's probably the cheapest option out of all of them.

  3. Okay, I'll try to stay in the middle of the air if I ever fly!