Feb 28, 2009

Men Explained

The lady who doesn't lunch has a wonderful post today about her dear husband not listening to her. I believe this may have been because men's brain's are wired slightly different than women's. I know, I know, you are all thinking "What does Sky-Dad know about any of this? Well I leaned everything I need to know on the subject from Mark Gungor, who has a DVD seminar called "Laugh your way to a better marriage". Here are two clips from it, enjoy!



Feb 27, 2009

Guess what day it is?

If you are like me, you almost missed Airhorn Appreciation Day!!


Hey Everyone, Get Out Your Airhorns! - Watch more Cheetos

Feb 26, 2009

Mel Gibson In The Colonel

From Jimmy Kimmel Live comes the biopic we have all been waiting for!

Important notice from Sky-Dad

It has come to my attention that my followers dropped recently from 39 to 38, just as I was hoping to have a big blow out party for #40. The staff here at Some days its not worth chewing through the leather straps always follows demographics closely, and wishes to understand the drop in readership.

Was it:

1. Bad tat series was in bad taste
2. Bad tat series didn't show enough "fun regions"
3. Couger Barbie just made me way too uncomfortable
4. Wheelchair Rebbecca gave me the willys
5. I didn't post Ben's number from Wheelchair Rebbecca
6. You are a sick, demonic perverted monster Sky-Dad

The staff thanks you for leaving your vote in the comments section, and an optional essay on why I should only stick to my usual clean, wholesome christian stories.

Feb 25, 2009

Couger Barbie Updated!!

Funniest thing I have seen in some time!

video

One of my old friends sent this to me after reading this post, reminding me about Barbies friend Rebbecca, who winds up in a wheelchair...

OK, this is sick, and since I have a son in a chair, why the hell am I posting this update? Because like I told Grant, I have decided to give up the remaining shreds of my dignity for Lent!

video

Feb 24, 2009

It's Bad-Tat Tuesday!!

OK, OK, calm down everyone. I know you have all been dieing to see some horrible ink for awhile now. Well guess what? Thanks to Sky-Dad perusing the underworlds of the internet tubes, and exposing it's soft, visceral underbelly, you don't have to subject yourself to that sort of thing.

Wait no more, the parade of decorative skin is about to commence!


Let's start off with Mr. Cool Ice, shall we? What's not to like, combining his bad-ass self with his obvious sense of humor with the reverse shades on the head.



Making some sort of statement about "This is the last thing you will ever see?"



It's not enough to have some exotic tats up on your face, let poke holes in it and take the time to expand them out to huge proportions. As much of a hot mess that this guy is, what's up with the relatively normal glasses? I guess it would be weird to have wire rims, huh?



Oh look! This one has the official "Sulu seal of approval"!



Last but not least - it's a beaver. Get it? a beaver...

She looks like she has nice shape, I wonder why she decided this would look good?

Feb 21, 2009

Kiwi Bacon

Wonderful commercial!
video

Bonus content! A quick joke...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

Feb 20, 2009

Feb 19, 2009

The Post for Dizzblnd

The always funny Dizzblnd over at Soggy-Doggy-Bloggy has a post up today about working the support line. I share her pain because I worked several years on a tech support line at a computer company in Boulder called NBI. I have aquired quite a collection of Dilbert comics from my desk calendar over the years, so I thought I would share them.


Feb 16, 2009

Quick Joke

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a b**** before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become the Governor of Illinois.

Feb 15, 2009

Fire That Agency

I am posting over at Fire That Agency today. Come see what the Aussie mind can come up with...

Feb 13, 2009

DaVinci

My brother in law sent me these pictures, this is a pretty amazing amount of work. This guy created a portrait of DaVinci using nothing but nails, alternating in size and depth.

I went to the website in the photos for more information, but unfortunately, my Arabic is a bit rusty...









Feb 12, 2009

Despair dot com has their finger on the pulse of the online world

I love everything about this company, their mockery of the Successories people, their products, the snark that is so palatable you can smell it coming off your screen. I have purchased many shirts and calendars from them over the years, and this might have to be my next one:



Even the automated response you get from the company when you order something is great, check it out:

Thank you for your recent order from Despair, Inc.

I'd like to personally welcome you to our growing body of Dissatisfied Customers(tm), but to do so might evidence some actual concern for service and protocol. This might then lead to customer satisfaction, which would defeat the purpose altogether. That is why you have received this generic, form-generated email, written by some nameless lackey in our marketing department.

Having established that any pretense of consideration for *your* needs would be counter-productive to our raison d'etre at Despair Inc, let us now ponder a subject of greater interest to those among us who are worthy of both of our collective attentions - that person being me.

While you sit there wincing in disbelief at these bons mots of authentic insincerity and vexed by the intrinsic contradictions, I find I am beside myself with awe at the specimen of unparalleled angst that is our most recent Despair Catalog. Hardly a man given to superlatives, I must nevertheless assert with David-Lee-Rothian boldness that we are demonstrably without peer in the Art of Demotivation®.

And speaking of "The Art of Demotivation", my management treatise of the same name is finally available for purchase, and in three unique editions (four if you count the... oops, I've said too much already).

While I could praise the book and by extension myself without end, I will instead, in the interest of at least some pretense of humility, simply note that no less a journalist than Lucy Kellaway of the peerless Financial Times of London wrote of the book, "The Art of Demotivation is the most daring, funny and subversive management book ever written".

In short, I'm the best.

For those eager to learn more about this landmark work, pay a visit to the delightful guided tour that is offered at our exclusive book website:

http://www.demotivation.com

Those ordering Chairman editions of the Art of Demotivation are reminded that each necessarily entails a slight shipping delay. Each one of these signed and numbered objets d'art is handbound upon the receipt of your order.

At long last, after this lengthy exploitation of your attention for purely selfish marketing purposes, let us move on to yet another advertisement for our company.

Despair is ever consumed in the product development process. In fact, as we speak, the small cabal of dispirited creators have thrown themselves back into the further development of a new content series wholly unrelated to Demotivators(R), which are slated for release next year.

What this is, I can not yet say. I can allow however that members of our opt-in e-mail newsletter "The Wailing List(tm)" will receive not only a sneak-preview of this mysterious initiative when it nears release, but may also even be granted an opportunity to participate in an unprecedented way in the work itself. So join the list now- don't make us come get you.

http://www.despair.com/subscribe.html

If any of the information shown below is inaccurate, please notify us immediately using our new Troubled Ticketing system.

http://www.despair.com/troubtic.html

We will rectify your error immediately, and on some occasions, without snickering.

It is the least we can do, which, as a matter of policy, is the most we can do.

Sincerely not really writing you this email,
E.L.


E.L.Kersten, Ph.D.
Founder & COO,
Despair, Inc.

Isn't that wonderful? Go check out their site, and particularly the area where the have videos. Absolutely hilarious!

Feb 10, 2009

Who'll be left holding the bag

The wonderful Damn Expat tagged me with the strangest meme ever thrown my way. Obviously meant for someone of the female persuasion, this meme begs to be ignored by a dude.

However, this must some type of test. I can feel it in the air like the stench of fear, swirling around the intertubes waiting to land in your lap like a cheap stripper trying to get a few last bucks out of an almost comatose club patron.

So let's get the obvious "Bag" joke out of the way first, OK?






Fuck yeah! That's how the Sky-Dad rolls! Hangin low and heavy...


Everyone OK? Good. On to the rules:

1. Post a picture of whatever bag you are carrying as of late. No, you can't go into your closet and pull out your favorite purse! We want to know what you carried today or the last time you left the house.

2. List how much it cost. And this is not to judge. This is for entertainment purposes only. So spill it. And if there is a story to go along with how you obtained it, we’d love to hear it.

3. Tag some chicks. And link back to this post so people know why the heck you’re showing everyone your bag.


First off, I carry everything in my pockets. No wallet, no bag. If I need to carry more stuff, we go to the backpack. So let's see what's in Chris' pants!

(excuse me while I whip this out)

(gasp)

Left pocket:

Keys to the two cars, Volvo XC wagon and adapted Dodge Caravan van for the Sky-Man. New LG phone from Verizon because Quest decided to get out of the cell phone business.

That background on the phone is our remaining dog, Yordi. A cross between Border Collie and Newfoundland!

Right Pocket:


License, Visa Debit card, Rec Center card, 20 bucks and... wait for it... Starbucks Gold card because hell yes, I am just that special!

So what if I need more stuff? Break out the wrap around your waist Rocky Pack.


Two center sections for stuff and water bottle holders on each side. Perfect when I am out hiking, or at an air show to hold my camera stuff. What's inside there now?

Let's take a peek, shall we?



Hat. Bald head plus sun equals pain, a lesson I have learned all too often.



Sun glasses and video camera. I have sensitive eyes and bright light affects me. That is why I prefer to hang out in the dark... outside your bedroom window...

Thus the video camera.



Lip stuff, it's way dry around these parts and you always want to stay kissable...



Milk Bones, they are tasty treats and keep my teeth clean!



A few basic tools are a must, if you are broken down on the side of a deserted highway, you can fix the car or use any of these as deterrents to those "Deliverance types".



Meat grinding pistol. I know what you're thinking. Did I grind one pound or two? Well, to be honest in all the excitement, I lost track myself. But you have to ask yourself a question. Do I feel lucky?

Well, do ya punk?

No cost figures were available at the time of this writing.

That's it, thanks for the tag! I don't think I will pass this one along, but if you want to play, go ahead... make my day!

Sky-dad recommends:



Moose Drool Brown Ale from Big Sky Brewing Company.

I found this at the local "super store" of booze that just opened. Over 10,000 square feet of liquor, and the largest beer section I have ever seen. I loaded up on a couple of new brands, including this lovely brown ale. It is quite good, but I have to admit I bought it just for the carton, which I thoughtfully scanned because I knew you would all like it. You're welcome.

It is folded flat for scanning, the line "Hold my Beer and Watch This" is on the bottom of the carton, which seems somewhat appropriate since you will wind up trying things that only make sense after washing down a sixer of these beauties.

Feb 8, 2009

They are out there driving among us

Two different stories came my way this past week that I thought I would share with you. Both are about senior citizens who are drivers. I don't normally group people into particular niches, because I certainly don't want that to happen to Skyler. But I really believe that once you get past a certain age, let's just throw 70 out there as a nice round number, you should be required to get a drivers test every stinkin year!

First story:

Driveline Vibration Issue - Possible Root Cause:

This old guy ran over a mattress/box springs and decided to keep going. The ensuing jumble finally whipped around enough to put a tear in the gas tank, the subsequent lack of fuel is what finally brought this vehicle to its knees.

It had still managed to drive 30 more miles decently with a 60lb tangle wrapped around the driveshaft.

This genius complained that the vehicle had a "shimmy" when driving it high speeds. This is what the dealership found:







Yeah right, just a bit of a shimmy at high speeds. "Does my bumper to bumper warranty cover this?"


Second Story:

These two old people, a man and his wife, were on the way to Greenville , NC and stopped at McDonalds in Farmville (just off of 264 East bypass) last Saturday and did not know they had hit this deer. Someone in McDonalds had to tell them. The old man said he noticed the car was starting to "run a little hot" the last few miles.

Warning, these are a little tough to look at.
























Really?!? I mean really!? You didn't notice a deer that size hit the front of your damn car?

Feb 7, 2009

6 levels of funny

This guy decides to test a dog collar designed to shock the dog when it barks. He takes it through all the settings from 1 to 6, hilarity ensues...

Feb 6, 2009

The return of the bad tat series

When Bubs did his post on lower back tats it reminded me that I had a lot of really terrible body art sitting around in a folder that used to be for bad tat Tuesday.

Well, I am unleashing it all on you at once, just to give you bad nightmares for the weekend.

A lot of this is gross, most of it is NSFW, as a matter of fact, just close this window and don't scroll down.

I don't want any lawsuits...























Saving the worst for last... Last chance to bail!









Feb 5, 2009

Christian Bale versus Bill O'Reilly

First of all, thank you everyone for your kind words about Hootie. You are all such great people!

Now, back to my weird self. I am sure everyone has heard by now of Christian Bales rant on the set of his movie. I found this great take on it, the premise is that Bale used to work as Bill O'Reilly's director...

Nice mash-up! Beware if at work, lot's of language here.


Christain Bale Vs. Bill O'Reilly - Watch more Free Videos

Feb 4, 2009

Goodbye old friend. Hootie: 1997-2009

I'll never forget the day I first saw him. We were driving home from Golden and Kathy said "Why don't you go this way?" We headed down a street I had never been on and found ourselves driving by a little strip mall. Then Kathy says "Turn in here a minute." Now my spidey senses are on alert, and sure enough, we wind up parking in front of a pet store.

Kathy had been out in Golden a couple of days before and had found Hootie sitting in a cage looking so lonely. When we walked in, there was a sad little puppy up high in his own cage, with a sign that had 2 different prices crossed out and the third was pretty low. He had been taken and then returned to the pet store. I knew right then that we were heading home with another dog, I had been suckered!

I still wasn't quite over the loss of our Golden Retriever, but I never do seem to get over the loss of a pet. Kathy knows that I need a replacement though, and seeing as we always have dogs in pairs, our female lab mix Bailey needed a friend also. So we headed home with Hootie, a mix of Border Collie, Shepard, who knows what all.

This was the dog that wasn't going to be on the couch with us. This is the one who would be trained damn it! After a couple of nights of whining in a box beside us, Hootie figured out the routine, realized we were not the obusive parents that I think he had before, and adopted us as his family. He also figured out that dad is a sucker, and soon took his rightful place on the couch beside us.

His first days with us were a little tough on him. First he walked by Bailey's supper dish and got the angry mama snarl and put in his place. Then he wandered up to our old tomcat to sniff him and came away with a bloody nose from a good swat. He was probably thinking "What do I have to do to catch a break?" But everyone got used to one another, and the family was complete.

Hootie was the only dog we ever had that never went to obedience classes. Somehow, he just knew instinctively what he was supposed to do, always came to us when we called him, and the only bad habit he ever had was chewing up stuffed animals. He lived his life to please, was the most sensitive animal to anybody's feelings. When a friend who had typical kids would come over, you never needed to worry about him. If a toddler would pull on him, or get too rough, he would just walk away. He would never snap at anybody.

On walks he would hunt bugs, doing a little stop and wiggle move, then pounce on them with his paws like you see in video of a coyote on TV. He was always surprised when he opened his paws and there wasn't anything to be found. I don't think he would have lasted more than a few days in the wild with those hunting skills!

The last year of his life brought blindness, and he slowed down a lot. But he still enjoyed going on our walks in the field and at the off-leash park. He stayed close behind me, relying on me to lead him by sound. I talked to him a lot as we walked, so he would know where I am and wouldn't worry. He learned to get in and out of the dog door by feel, only making a few messes in the house even as his days were numbered. And he always felt so bad when there was a mistake, you couldn't possibly be mad at him.

Finally, in these last couple of days, something changed. The walk was so stiff, and it hurt him to get up and down. Almost overnight, he stopped eating and just laid out in the yard and by the dog door. He had a couple of accidents, messing himself unable to move and just laying there. We called the Vet and they got us in pretty quick. I carried him from the van directly to the exam table.

Our vet came in and stopped at the door, shocked at how bad he looked. He said "This isn't Hootie". He carried him into the back to take x-rays and some blood samples. When he came in he said the chest and heart look OK, he didn't expect that as labored as his breathing is. The abdominal x-ray showed a full stomach and intestine, even though he had not been able to eat for a couple of days. Thing were not working right, but he didn't know why. There was also some type of a large mass beside his stomach. You never want to hear the word mass when your vet is talking to you...

The option was to take him to the Wheatridge animal intensive care, because there wasn't much that a family vet could do at this point, and Hootie needed intensive care. It was that bad. He looked at me while rubbing Hooties chest and told me that it would probably be expensive, at least 2 grand just to stabilize him until they could do exploratory surgery. He was giving me the option without telling me what to do. He has been our vet through all of our dogs, and is as good a man as there is.

I was crying, much like I am now, barely able to say the words "I can't put him through this, let's put him down."

Just a few short minutes after that, he breathed his last, labored breath, while I held him and told him how much he a meant to me. I felt better about my decision when it only took half of the syringe to stop his heart and breathing. His body was trying so hard just to stay alive that it was barely hanging on.

I will miss my buddy more than I can tell you, of all the dogs I have had he was the kindest, and most special one.


Just a little while after we got him, still scared.



Figuring out life isn't so bad here.



Hanging with Bailey, our female Lab mix.


He found another new friend.



Of course Bailey taught Hootie a few bad habits, but what the heck!



His only flaw, attacking and killing stuffed animals.



His last year, with blindness setting in.
















Before and after pictures just a few weeks apart, the difference in him is striking.



Here are some more pictures, just showing us hanging together. I will miss him so much...