Apr 30, 2010

Some Days It's Not Worth Chewing Through The Leather Straps Presents:

Great moments in parenting!

Let's all take a few moments to run through these examples and see if we can see where the parent went wrong. Form two groups please, take these sticky notes and write your ideas on them and post them on the wall. Pick a team leader to present your findings, and we will reconvene in one hour.

Was letting Timmy play with daddies professional porn camera a good idea?

Did you make Bobby attend Sunday school one too many times?

When your little "leading edge of fashion" guy suggested the new "proto-mullet", was that the best choice?

Should you ever show any mercy in backyard football games?

Sure he hasn't slept through the night all week because of the ear infection. Should you take medication into your own hands?

Are you monitoring what your child likes to play with?

Pop quiz! Is this young man headed to:
A: An Ivy league education?
B: Community College?
C: The Military?
D: Your worst dreams as a husband for your daughter?

Can you turn pyromania into good clean fun with costumes?

Should you try and mix your dreams as an Alpaca guide with juniors Rugby games?

Finally, how many years of therapy will it take to get this image out of her mind?

Remember, check back in an hour and we can compare results!

Apr 29, 2010

Skylers TV Crushes

I have been toying with the idea of a new series of posts based on the women on TV that Skyler has a crush on. Those of you who follow this little web log know that Skyler has always liked the news on TV, and that he has a part time job recording the local NBC affiliates news programs.

So Skyler has a whole bunch of DVDs that he made that have some of his favorite anchors, meteorologists, and other people he likes on TV. He plays them a lot on a portable DVD player when we are out running errands or other places in public, and it is always funny to see somebody lean over and try and see what is on the news. It is particularly funny when he is watching an old news item about a major snow coming and it is July here. People are always saying "Really? It is going to snow?" Then I tell them it is a DVD and they don't believe me! Because really, who records the weather?

Well, we do!

So for the first of this series, here is somebody that has a very unusual name. Amelia Earhart is a traffic reporter for the local NBC affiliate around here, and is indeed a distant relation to the famous aviator. She left 9News about a year ago to go out to LA since she is from there, but surprised us by coming back to Denver again.

Amelia is really good looking, Skyler always perks up when he sees her.

She flew in an F-16

Reporting in from Sky9

Here she is in LA, there isn't any video from her time in Denver I could find.

Apr 28, 2010

Testemax: Grow a Pair!

"Ask your doctor if Testemax is right for you."
"I am, I'm asking you."
"Testemax is right for you!"

Apr 26, 2010

Bad Tat Tuesday; Stamps R Us

I can't believe I have been doing bad tat Tuesday all this time and haven't featured lower back tats! Where have I been and what have I been doing?

Collecting great stamps, that's what!

And away we go...

Always good to go generic if you can't make up your mind.

A typeface lover! (special note to GKL, notice I didn't use "font")

There is a lot going on here, eyes and chains dropping down the crack. But I really can't resist dropping the line "These aren't the droids you are looking for".

Wouldn't it be so much simpler to just buy a diary?

Mum and Dad are proud by the way, but are a little concerned with the expanding canvas.

Duck hunt? Serious??

So hold on loosely, and don't let go.

Special kudos go out to Jay for sending me this one, well down young grasshopper, well done.

Apr 23, 2010

10 Words that don't exist but probably should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon’iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

Apr 22, 2010

A Couple of Quick Jokes

Widdle Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

The Blessing

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible golf cart wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced..

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place ."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is 'sternum'."

Apr 21, 2010

Not enough Listerine in the world!

This is why you don't screw around on the office copier.

Apr 20, 2010

It's Another Adult Bad Tat Tuesday!

Sometimes the tats that get sent my way are of the nature that really shouldn't be opened up at work, as opposed to the regular kind I use that just shouldn't be opened.


So I file those away someplace safe like a folder called "Yanni Music", or "How to install the new blades in your Remco nose hair removal system".

So if you are brave enough, and don't have a weak stomach, cruise on over to Not Safe For Anything to see the latest edition. It's really not so bad this time... really.

Apr 17, 2010

So yeah, it's kind of like this

Went to urgent care because I couldn't stand up right and the pain was way past intense on the meter. So I says to myself, "This seems kind of urgent, if only there was a place I could go to".

Then I had a ta-da moment. Why not go to that place down the road that just opened up called "urgent care"?

I am pretty sharp that way...

So the diagnosis is a bulging disk, right above the one that is pretty much missing in my back. They told me long ago that when the missing disk gets to the point where it starts to fuse itself, then it transfers problems to the disk above and below.

I hate it when they are right like that.

So pain killers, steroids, and muscle relaxers, oh my! Then we see if it retracts back to where it belongs.

Apr 15, 2010

Is it wrong that I laughed long and hard at this?

Two great ones from College Humor!

Father Shant be taking me to Sunday School anymore.

Apr 13, 2010

This Bad Tat Tuesday is The Pits!!

Some of these are actually good art, good color, and well done. But holy tap-dancin Jebus, tats in your arm pits?!?

What the hell is up with that?

He asked for a saucy wench, but the tat artist was hard of hearing. Hey-oooo!!

She's kind of cute. I mean tough! Yes ma'am, please don't hit me again!

Why so huge?

Nice color in this one. Does it smell sweet when she sweats?

Holy Shit indeed! I can't figure out a single thing that is in this one.

That hatchet is gonna leave a mark.

i would only commit to a bottle tat if it was beer.

OK, officially the creepiest thing out there.

Apr 11, 2010

Commixed Pictures

Cool stuff! Combines my love of all things Star Trek with all things silly humor!!

Apr 8, 2010

So This Is Kind Of How It Is

Are you being pulled in many directions also? I tell you what, I feel like I have been on that George Jetson treadmill just spinning around and around for so long I don't even know what normal is anymore.

We had lunch recently with my sister and brother in law, after I had to decline about 1342 times due to my stupid schedule. We planned on getting together around Christmas if I recall, right Sandi? Geeez, that just sucks. If you can't find time for your sister, what hope is there for maintaining friendships. I guess that is why my list of friends I see lately is down to one hand. Most of the people I keep up with regularly are out here in Blogville and facebook!

I have been slacking on my workouts lately, mostly because of this stupid cold that just turned into Strep Throat. But before I started feeling sick, I just wasn't feeling in the mood to go into the gym every day. Part of it was getting tired of the same routine, the other part was having to listen to the hard right rhetoric from some of my friends. I have asked quite a few times that maybe we could not talk politics, just to, ya know, stay friends? But there is always one last point they need to make. So I started just getting off whatever machine I was on and walking away.

Hmmm, note to self, maybe this is related my short list of friends I mentioned above. I will report back after further analysis.

I tried to get back into a regular running routine and my back just isn't going to let me do that. I can't tell you how much that sucks for me. I have been a runner my whole life, and now I have finally broken down to the point where I have to admit to myself I am a non-runner. And the pounds are creeping on... Maybe I will forget about it with another beer!

Hmmm, note to self, maybe this is related my weight gain. I will report back after further analysis.

Kathy and I got a very rare evening out and went to see the first concert of Straight No Chaser's new tour. They played at the Boulder Theater, which is a great venue. It is one of those great old movie houses from the old days that has been renovated. Even though we had cheap GA seats, everything was still fantastic. Skylers old aide from school, Janet, and her husband came over and put Skyler to bed for us. That was nice of them, they are good people.

Speaking of Janet and Dan, their daughter Dawn is finishing up her Navy career in about a year or so. She came to visit a while back and I got to sit and talk to her about her ship and mine and how the navy has changed. There are still a whole lot of similarities between now and back then, and it was fun to swap stories. Janet worries that her daughter will never be able to stop swearing when she gets out. I told her not to worry, it didn't take me too fucking long to stop. Aren't I a big help?

Hmmm, note to self, stop being an asshole around friends and maybe they will stick around. I will report back after further analysis.

I have a lot of analysis to run through, eh?

We are having some seating system challenges with Skyler for awhile now. After his surgery to straighten out his spine, his head hung down to the right side. This is because he always had to hold his head up more with the right side muscles because of the top of his spine going off to the left.

It is kind of tough to see in this picture, but there is a lot of head gear trying to keep his head up. He fights it a lot, so his neck gets skin breaking down. We are working with the seating company to try and come up with a good solution, but so far, nothing is working really good.

So that's what is happening here at my little corner of bloggerritaville, let me know what is going on with you! And one more thing, I would love to go back and reply to everyone's comments like I used to, I am sorry I stopped doing that. I need to be a better blogger buddy.

Take care all!

Apr 7, 2010

Until I get some sort of actual blog fodder...

Please enjoy this delightful collection of WTF! I will be posting something worth reading in a few days, honest I will. Hey! Don't look at me like that! Sometimes I have something to say... Kinda...

Nothing that several years of intense therapy won't cure.

So much going on here I want explained. Or do I?

The Red Cross just hands out meals and blankets. I never got a damn motorbike from them!

Ok, so they were left alone to amuse themselves. But what is up with the Lion outfit?

Seems like such a great playmate for Jr.

TSA always wants to wand my ass also! Hey-O!!! I'll be here all week!

Way too much information than I ever wanted to know...

I really hope that is a temp, otherwise these parents should be slapped.

Sigh. I wish I had some fine art to display.

OK, good info to have here. Don't sleep with the dead brothers wife if he died of aids.