The Wall

In the running world, the wall is a term used to describe a barrier that you come up against where you find yourself without anymore energy, the legs suddenly turn to mush, the wind isn't there, and things just start to seem like they are all falling apart at the same time. Generally, the wall is at mile 20 of a marathon. I have hit it sooner, sometimes not hitting it all all when running. It depends on what race I was doing, and how hard I was pushing myself.

For me, the wall I have just hit hasn't been running, it is Senior year for Skyler.

For quite a long time now there hasn't been a whole lot that has been going right. There are a lot of little things that contribute to the overall collapse. I left my old company of Sun Micro because of the constant fear of layoffs, now it has found me at my new place. We just let go a bunch of writers to send their jobs overseas.

I have been fighting back pain for years, the result of an old injury and the constant pounding of running. That has recently become worse, combined with a shoulder surgery that seems to be taking forever to heal.

Then there is my marriage, which often can't really be described as a marriage so much as roommates both living together trying to raise a child. I think both of us have kind of given up.

I tell you all this not to ask for pity, because I have it a whole lot better than most. But it is all the stuff that sits below the surface and accumulates, waiting for the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back.

For all of Skyler's life, we have constantly been advocating for a better life for him, more inclusion in day to day activities, to be with his typical peers in school, and for whatever respect we could try and find for him. We have battled with a school system that is one of the worse in our area, if not the country, and not asked for anything that would have cost them a dime. All equipment, communications device, laptop, whatever else we thought would improve his chances at success we have foot the bill. All that they have provided was his aide to get him around and assist him in his day to day needs.

It has always been a fight - for everything. But we do it because it's what all parents do, they want the best for their kid. And now we finally have one thing set up that we have been trying for years to get, a video class that would be of interest to Skyler because that is his one true love.

Sounds great, right? Right up to the point where Skyler decides that he doesn't want to do it. No explanation from him. He is just being a little shit, only wants to have his own time at home and doesn't want to work at school. So now, the school gets to point and say, "See, we told you he couldn't do it."

That was it, the straw on the camel, or the wall on the run.

I have given up, if he wants to sit around with us the rest of his life playing on the computer, watching his DVDs, then fuck it all, let him.

These last years of high school have sucked, and he has become a real pain, a whiner, and even when people have reached out to him (like Ravens kids), he just doesn't care. I know he is a teen, with all that comes with adolescence, but he has to try a bit.

And so I post stupid videos, jokes, and crap to try and find humor in my life when I want to just run away.

So to return to the running metaphor, I hit the wall, now what? I am going sit sit on the curb awhile and cry. Cry about what has been and what may have been.

Then try and get up and walk. Bear with me for awhile if you don't mind, I will pop in here and there, but right now, I am sitting on the curb.