The English Lover

Longtime, observant, readers of my blog will no doubt remember that I am from English miner stock, around the area of Cornwall. The genes of these great workhorse men still course through my body today, especially in the area of the tender sex and love-making. I can't begin to count the times I have been asked, "Skydad, where did you learn that wonderful move?" Well, OK, it was once, and I think that was a dream... But That's not the point of this tale. The point is that we are all brilliant lovers, as this guide to the Englishman's love-making will point out. Read on:

THE PREPARATION

Friday Night is very much love-night for the English man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional English aphrodisiac - 12 pints, a black pudding supper and 3 pickled onions his mind set on one thing. LOVE! Or as he says himself "ma nookie". His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion - "any chance a ma hole?"

The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of picked onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply "Awaity fuck ya bam".

FOREPLAY

Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient fertility chant "Here we go, here we go, here we go". Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS

After 12 pints, sometimes the man's wee Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ya useless bastard" or possibly "It never happens to the Milkman". Oral sex is a great favourite of the Englishman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ya like to put your teeth roon this?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "On ye go" she says "but don't disturb me".

Unprepared by this slight rejection the man drives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. A breakdown in communication often leads to problems. The man may emerge from below, his face like a wet tomato, uttering a pointed but tender rebuke, "Bastard, you could have told me it was your bad week.

DOWN TO BUSINESS

Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Oh fuck, I've shot ma load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.

An imaginative lover, the Englishman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite, arsehole". The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?". Given his level of sexual expertise the Englishman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big "man".

Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world performs quite like a Englishman- a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.